Another step

On Monday we had another heartbreaking step in this journey. We went to register Lexi’s birth. I hadn’t appreciated how hard it was going to be.

We had been told the registrar would be aware of our situation. She quite clearly had no idea. Her upbeat tone and happy smiles when asking if we were mum and dad soon went. She asked us if we had brought the babies red book. I said we hadn’t. There was an awkward pause, a silence to fill and I had to explain Lexi had died. I had to go on to explain why she still needed a birth certificate; a consequence of the inquest on going meaning we do not have a death certificate as yet and therefore cannot register her birth and death at the same time. I hadn’t wanted to discuss the fact she had died. I had just wanted for a few minute to concentrate on the fact she had lived.

We sat in the same room we had been in 2.5 years before registering Luke’s birth. I can clearly remember Luke in the buggy and Annabelle, an excited 2 year old, showing off her baby brother. It had been a fun experience, a lovely memory to have. There were no parallels to be drawn to our experience this week aside from it being in the same room.

As I signed Lexi’s birth certificate I felt the now familiar pain in my chest, the same feeling of trying to suppress tears and the lumps catching in my throat. I didn’t want to be signing a certificate that was now so incredibly pointless. We had no need to ask for duplicate copies of the birth certificate, no passport applications would be made with them, no bank accounts opened. I wanted to be in that room with my healthy 10 week old baby, her big brother and sister, Andrew and I. I wanted to be proudly showing off my new little girl recalling tales of sleepless nights and new found smiles. Instead we sat with heavy hearts, gave our details and paid the fee.

Some of the task we have been left with since Lexi died have been made so unnecessarily hard. It is however, one more step completed.

I went this morning to sit at Lexi’s grave to reflect upon another hard week. Lexi is buried in a beautiful natural woodland burial site. It is such a lovely place to come and think of her. The picture above is of the path leading to her grave. I find whenever I visit here I am filled with new found hope, new strength to carry on. Strange as I’d imagined it would be a place only of sadness. No matter how many horrible steps there will be, I will try to never lose hope.


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