I seem to be quite lost for words. Quite unlike me. I’ve sat trying to find the right ones to say to explain what’s happened in the past 10 days. I’ve been in disbelief during the past 10 days that only 4 months after Lexi died, I could be sat hearing a nurse telephoning for an ambulance telling them she was querying if my eldest daughter had sepsis. The world stopped turning again. There I was sat again in an ambulance hoping with ever ounce of me that this would be different. My heart felt crushed and all I could do was hold Annabelle close and repeatedly tell her how much I loved her.
Annabelle didn’t have sepsis. She was very ill though and spent 5 nights in hospital. Today was our last trip back to the hospital for her final iv antibiotic which she has now had for 10 days. We spent the first day being told they were treating her for meningitis. Then it was thought she had a meningococcal infection that developed into periorbital cellulitis and sinusitis. It wasn’t clear what she had ultimately but one thing I know is her smiles today, the sound of her laughter and the beautiful hugs she gave me have helped my heart immensely.
But this isn’t how life is supposed to be. And I’m struggling with this quite a lot at the moment. There isn’t just one thing going wrong in our lives. It feels like we are continually rushing from one fire to the next trying to dampen the flames that just rise up again. It’s like having your life played out in a dark comedy. I mean I couldn’t make this stuff up, today Andrew even managed to get electrocuted. These things don’t happen in normal lives. What I would give for a normal quiet life.
So there really aren’t the right words at the moment. Or at least no polite words I can think of to describe it. The past 10 days have just been utterly shit. One day soon I’ll find some words again that I can look back on and think how far I’ve come. But tonight I’m just wondering why…