Did you ever watch the tv show Lost? Over the 6 years it was on I’d sit down to watch the show thinking this week we’ll find out what’s going on, this week we will finally understand! And then every week another twist would come. The TV advert for the show with the phrase “answers are coming” (or at least that’s how I remember it) feels like what I hope for this week. And above all else I hope it isn’t like those episodes of Lost where another twist comes, and everyone’s left wondering when on earth do we find out the truth.
This weekend Andrew and I finally found some time to run away from all that life is throwing at us. I had been dreading this weekend. 6 months since Lexi was born, 6 months since she died. Sandwiched around our 6-year wedding anniversary. And today is not only 6 months since Lexi died, but of course Father’s Day as well. Dates, milestones and celebrations I’m finding feel worse as they approach than the reality of the day. Despite dreading the milestones, we enjoyed having time to ourselves and to be together. It gave us time to talk about and reflect on the week we have ahead of us. It does of course though stir back up intense feelings of loss and so I was pleased we could be together to get through the weekend without bringing our sadness to Annabelle and Luke who have no concept of how much time has passed.
This weekend also stood as a reminder of the immense kindness we have felt since Lexi died. Luke’s amazing preschool organised a stall at a fete and raised an incredible £332. Just six weeks into our fundraising for Great Ormond Street and we already have a current total of £3,905.
Thursday, is the thing I have been dreading the most though. Lexi’s inquest is finally due to conclude. I knew nothing of inquests before Lexi’s death and despite binge watching shows like Suits, The Good Wife and Ally McBeal over the years, I obviously never wanted to find myself a part of a court room drama. Every time we have thought we are getting somewhere with the inquest we’ve had another step back. This is the second date it has been scheduled for. We are onto our third coroner and it is due to go ahead now at a different coroner’s court than originally planned.
If we get to Thursday and it is going ahead there is so much about the day that I can’t bear the thought of. Having to sit and listen to the traumatic details of how we lost our daughter is not something I think even 6 months on I am ready for. But I think it is the closing of the inquest that will be the hardest blow. After 6 agonising months we will be given Lexi’s death certificate, there will finally be a reason recorded for her cause of death. On that day, official registration of her death will be made. It won’t change the reality of what we live with daily, but it is a finality. For the official and bureaucratic part, that will be it. It will be the end. But for us it is still just the beginning of a life sentence of learning to live without her.
Six months sometimes feels like the longest time when I think how long it’s been since I got to hold her. And yet in other moments it feels like no time has passed at all.
How much we miss her. It seems silly to even say that anymore. Words will never be enough to convey how much. Andrew and I stood this morning and threw flowers into the sea. We watched as they drifted out on the tide, edging further and further away from us. That’s how time passing feels. With every minute that passes she feels further and further away from my arms. And yet somehow the more I talk about Lexi the closer I feel to her, like she isn’t quite so far away. Talking about Lexi and raising money in her memory are keeping me sane. We have somehow survived all of our worst days so far in the last six months. So we must believe that we will find a way to survive this week too.