Saudade is a Portuguese word. It doesn’t have a direct translation into English. I’ve read a few translations of it from;
~A memory of something, with a desire for it.
~A somewhat melancholic feeling of incompleteness
~ Intimate feeling and mood caused by longing for something absent that is being missed.
Or the one that speaks to me the most;
~A nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant, or that has been loved and then lost; the love that remains.
When I say I miss Lexi, it seems somewhat a worthless sentence. It doesn’t convey what I mean. I miss you doesn’t have the depth of what I feel. Saudade seems more of what I mean when I say it. I stumbled across the word saudade when looking for a word to describe how I have been feeling.
This week I turned 32. I celebrated turning 31, last year, with a return of morning sickness and minutes after blowing out the candles on my cake being sick in my parents garden! 32 I had told myself would be a better birthday celebration. Turning 32, instead felt awful. It feels like I am getting further and further away from Lexi. Separated not by distance but by time. This week I have cried all the tears and more. I have felt so incredibly sad at the world. I didn’t want to turn 32. Not for some vain wish of remaining young but instead to stay the same age forever that I was when I was last with Lexi.
From a young age we are encouraged to cheer up. When we fall or hurt ourselves, if we don’t cry we are describe as being so brave. As we get older the idea becomes ingrained. I’m hurt, I mustn’t make a fuss, I mustn’t cry, I must be brave. It’s funny really because since the day you are born, crying is an undeniable sign that you are alive. Having a really good cry and spending time reflecting has helped me this week. The wave of grief that knocked me down last week seems to be dulling.The quote below from Scott Stabile puts it so well. The tears and sadness do not negate the happiness I have for the love that still exist in my life. Sometimes we all just need to let out those tears. It is possible to be both happy and sad. And in letting yourself feel the sorrow, it makes happiness feel all the sweeter.
Whilst I am searching for more smiles, I am putting my mind to different things to keep busy. I’m still working hard to raise money for Great Ormond Street Hospital. 32, apparently, will be the year I run a half marathon and I am hoping to raise lots of money through sponsorship. I have also been doing some thinking and research on how to use there-are-no-words and I am looking forward to sharing that with you soon.
Never be afraid to cry. Regardless of how many tears you shed, you are still strong.