Beginnings

Wanted

Waiting and waiting and then finally the test result showed. PREGNANT. I remember giving a squeal of excitement. After nearly a year of trying we were finally expecting baby number 3. We have always wanted a big family. Friends and family often joking we’d end up with a football team. How naive we were to expect we could decide how many children we would have to fill our home and hearts.

I took the test the day before we were flying to Orlando for two weeks in Disney. I was ready to burst with excitement to tell Andrew but I thought I would try and keep it a secret to tell him in Disney. And my goodness I was so proud of myself for not letting slip. It is rare that anything in my head stays there – as you’ll begin to realise anything I think I normally say. So on our first day in the Magic Kingdom we went to the Christmas shop. I found two baubles; one pink, one blue that said “first Christmas”. Attempting to be casual and not shout it across the shop I said “Which one do you think we will need for the tree this year!” The smiles spread across both our faces and we got one of the cast members to capture the moment in front of the castle. It was going to be the most amazing Christmas with Lexi being due on Boxing Day.

Nothing can take that happy moment away from us, nothing can change the joy we felt. Lexi was so wanted from the first second we knew of her existence. As she grew safe inside me so the excitement grew. We chose Annabelle’s birthday to tell her she was going to be a big sister again. Already she was hoping for a little sister.

When we found out Lexi was a girl at 20 weeks Annabelle couldn’t stop planning everything her and her little sister were going to do. Her very own little sister she couldn’t believe it. She had been asking for one since the day Luke arrived! We captured these moments in videos and photos. Each a precious memory of Lexi’s life.

We only got to spend two precious days with her but before she was born we had months of talking to her, feeling her kicks and dreaming what life would be like as a family of 5. It hurts to think of all that could have been, all that should have been. It hurts to think of all the things we will miss out on. It is in fact simply agony to imagine how different life should have been.

When I was pregnant with Luke I worried immensely that I wouldn’t be able to love anyone as much as I felt love for Annabelle. When our cheeky little boy arrived the love flooded in just as it had for Annabelle. So I didn’t worry this time that I might not bond with Lexi. I knew I loved her, knew I always would no matter what from the moment I knew I was pregnant. And like I know my love for Annabelle and Luke could never be changed I feel the same about my love for Lexi. Death does not end love. Love is the one thing that will survive. I will love, care and constantly think of Lexi like I do my other children. Forever wanted, forever in my heart.

Sophie

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